Make your own free website on Tripod.com

Guides in Dealing with Angry Feelings

  1. Acknowledge that you get angry when you have angry feelings. You are entitled to get angry. Learn to speak up. Do not deny the fact that you are personally angry. "I" statements - describe what you see that angers you.

  2. Don't run away from angry feelings of your partner or child. They have a right to be angry, too. Respect their anger and do not smile or laugh at them.

  3. Getting angry with your partner or children is okay. Do not be ashamed of getting angry it is a human emotion. It is how you vent that anger which is wrong.

  4. Listen and keep listening (Creative listening) Paraphrase what your partner says, make perception checks so you understand what the person is saying and thinking.

  5. Be sure you have legitimate issue or position to fight for. Shift your aggression from personal attack to the issue. Attack the problem not each other.

  6. Avoid knocking your partner down (putting person down verbally). A person will get more and more defensive and gets harder and harder to reach.

  7. Learn to recognize when you are merely letting off steam. Recognize when your partner is letting off steam. It is not meant for you.

  8. Don't be an injustice, or grievance collector. Usually comes from feeling of being abused.

  9. Don't hit below the belt, don't throw back information given in trust. Don't bring up past mistakes or skeletons.

  10. Don't handicap your fighting from, don't try to solve problems when tired, sleepy, hungry, or when drunk or unstable.

  11. Remember that your anger may not change the situation.

  12. Last, but probably most important, is to be mature enough to be able to admit that we are wrong when we see it even though it is embarrassing and painful. It is necessary for your own growth.

Managing Anger
ENCOURAGE EXPRESSION - DEFUSE THE ANGER
Anger is energy - it must be released. It won't simply vanish. This applies to your own anger as well. Don't ignore anger. Suppressed anger can cause illness and depression. Recognize your own symptoms of anger.

ACCEPT THE EMOTION WITHOUT CRITICIZING IT
Avoid making judgments about the other person's anger.
MAKE OTHER PERSON AWARE OF FEELINGS
Ask, "Are you angry?"
LISTEN ACTIVELY - USE EYE AND EARS
Concentrate on what the other person is saying both
verbally and nonverbal to gain understanding of the issue.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND THE SOURCE OF THE ANGER
What are the real issues? Ask, "Why are you angry?"
LEARN TO DETACH YOURSELF
Responding to anger with anger is rarely productive.
Remaining in control will help the other person gain more control or avoid losing control.
ACKNOWLEDGE ANGER AND SOURCE
" I understand how this situation could make you feel angry."
STICK TO THE FACTS
Deal with one issue at a time.
REVIEW OBJECTIVES OF INTERACTION
"What and we accomplish here?"
DON'T APOLOGIZE FOR SOMETHING THAT IS NOT YOUR FAULT